Depression

Wednesday, May 28, 2008  

Current mood:  awake 

What is funny is I picture a figure boxing with me ... I come romping out of the corner with red shorts on and ... lets a say another women... in purple shorts comes out the other corner.

She pops me in the face leaving a mark with the letter D on it... the Ref with a larger D on his lapel comes over and says ...thats one Depression card for you

She jabs after jabs..... another card.. another card... until finally I'm down for the count!

My only comfort is my blanket and my four walls. So was that the battle? I don't think so.. I think bouts of Depression arent the attack of events but rather the aftermath of soul battling to recover.

I write to maybe better understand myself.

Who am I? hmm I don't know anymore. My husband came home a deployment and said he could tell I was a "broken women with no fight left"...ouch... but so true.

I guess its better if you understand who I used to be. A naive girl with two kids. Loving mom and fun to be around. I loved to volunteer and workout. If along the way I could pick up some juicy tidbits about people...I would relish em.

I loved to BBQ and entertain. I was the life of the party. My laugh tended to be very loud. I've been called the engery of the party.

Who am I now? just the opposite of all you've read.

My only comfort is bedtime is only around the corner. Sure on the outside I have bouts of excitment and smiles but they merely punctuate the depression sinking in.

The comfort of daytime TV, couch, or bed... the day to day things to make you feel like maybe depression is not what you are.... if you were depressed, could you get the kids off to school.. play happy housewife? hell yeah.. more then you think.

That is the battle... can you move yourself through another day without anyone knowing you wish you were in bed and waking up is not really a concern!

So how do we win the battle and actually enjoy the day... well there are many people out there with bright ideas....   but... Im too depressed to give a shit..LOL